By Corey Gray
Prologue
,,Graue Liebesschlangen hab ich aus deinen achselhohlen gescheucht. Wie auf heisen Steinen liegen sie jetz auf mir und verdauen lust-llumpen.”
"Grey love-snakes I drove out of your armpits. As on hot stones they lie on top of me now, digesting great lumps of satisfied lust." Rainer Maria Rilke
Last week in Dubai I spent two (too) long evenings with the redoubtable Dr. Ali Al-Azzawi, discussing two issues very close to my heart and the work SCC is doing around Healthspan and Wellbeing:
- Plummeting Total Fertility Rates, (TFR)
- Longevity, (Dubai announced the Dubai Longevity Institute a week ago, the first of its kind in the world, and uncannily aligned with SCC’s work in this area and our foundational Healthspan Index)
The crisis around intimacy and rapidly declining TPR has not spared Dubai, and Dr. Al-Azzawi has been tasked with understanding and addressing it, and his thoughts very much echo those of SCC.
State of Play
Intimacy is at an historic low in western society.
Since the mainstream adoption of cell phones and social media, studies have reported a near 20% reduction in sexual activity.
The Total Fertility Rate, ("TFR"), in the USA has reduced from 2.1 in 2000 to just 1.57 today. In Dubai it has dropped from 2.1 to 1.4.
These statistics are being mirrored across all western nations where the TFR is now well below the 2.1 required to maintain population numbers, (net of immigration).
What is the context?
What are the causes?
What are the consequences?
What is the cost?
Why should we care?
Is the decline of our most primal and important urge a bellwether of a broader social malaise?
Historic Context
Throughout history, sexuality has been central to society, morality, legislation, politics, religion, art, business and war.
Sex creates life; literally the only true miracle.
Sex is the one of the most beautiful, deeply pleasurable and intimate experiences we can share with one another.
Sex elicits in us profound and primal urges.
So, whilst sex had been central to all civilisations, their perception and roles have differed wildly.
Sumeria
The Sumerians, our first identified civilisation, emerged in Uruk, modern Iraq, around 4,000 BCE and viewed sexuality as a "divine gift". The goddessInanna,(later to be known asIshtarby the Akkadians, Babylonias and Assyrians), was tasked with the exquisitely complementary "portfolios" of love, war and sex.
I recall as an impressionable 11-year-old readingThe Epic of Gilgameshfor the first time, and coming across the passage in which Ishtar propositions Gilgamesh, who declines. Enraged, Ishtar sends out theBull of Heaven to destroy the city... This story remained front of mind in my teenage years as I first began my awkward and often inept forays into the world of intimate relations with the "fairer" sex...
Ancient Egypt
Egyptian lore perfunctorily tells the story of the creator God,Atum, who brought the universe into existence through an act of masturbation.
Festivals were held in honor of the godMin and goddessHathor, as celebrations of sensuality and physical intimacy. Erotic art was commonplace and held in a positive light, emphasizing the importance of sensuality in the human world, and the afterlife.
Ancient Greece & Rome
Somewhere around 380BCE inthe Symposium,Plato was first to investigate "the philosophy of love", proposing 3 types:
- Ἔρως" (Eros): intense, passionate, romantic and sensual desire
- "Φιλία" (Philos): fraternal love; companionship, loyalty and mutual respect
- "Ἀγάπη" (Agape): altruistic, unconditional love of humanity, nature and spirituality
The Greeks and Romans adopted an altogether different approach to sex and sexuality that was steeped in social and political standing. Sex was seen as binary, but not in terms of men and women; rather there were "the penetrators" and "the penetrated".
Upper class Greeks and Romans had the right to have sex with whomsoever they wished, (men, women and children), so long as they were "the penetrator". Meanwhile for a man of such status to be "the penetrated" was an act of great shame and social stigma.
In warfare the Greeks even constructed the Sacred Band of Thebes, 150 pairs of male "lover-warriors", under the belief that they would fight more vigorously for one another under the bond of sexual intimacy.
By contrast, Freeborn Women were guarded, (by others, not in their personas), expected to marry as virgins and remain monogamous within marriage. The rationale was deeply pragmatic and politically motivated: they were required to produce healthy, legitimate heirs.
Social and religious festivals celebrating sex and sexuality were commonplace in Ancient Greece and Rome, containing nudity and sex acts in order to win the favor of extremely promiscuous and tempestuous male gods.
Ancient India
The ancient Hindus believed in the philosophy ofPurusharthas, which set out the 4 goals of life:
- "धर्म" (Dharma): duty to maintain the harmony of cosmic, moral and social order
- "अर्थ"(Artha): pursuit of prosperity, wealth and means to live a dignified life
- "काम" (Kama): pursuit of pleasure, love, sensuality and aesthetic enjoyment
- "मोक्ष" (Moksha): pursuit of spiritual liberation from the cycle of birth, death and rebirth
A fulfilled life balanced these four goals successfully.
Around 300 BCE the philosopherVatsyayana Mallanaga wrote the famousKama Sutra, a definitive guide to the context, purpose and successful fulfillment of goal 3:Kama. His view was that sexual pleasure was not sinful or animalistic; it was "a divine and necessary aspect of human nature". It was to be studied with wisdom, self-control and respect.
Whilst India at the time - and to a large extent today - operated aVarna (caste) system that was highly restrictive for women, and polygyny (harem), was commonplace,Mallanaga advocated for the necessity of consent, financial independence for women, and the obligation for women to enjoy physical pleasure.
Considering the rigid social structures of Varna, Kama Sutra was extremely progressive.
Latin America
The approach of Latin American civilisations varied materially in relation to the social, cultural and political context of sexuality.
TheMoche of Peru, (100 - 800CE), believed that sexuality and the act of sex directly connected human to the divine, making it a central part of culture and society.
By contrast, theAztecs, (1300 - 1521CE), adopted what could best be described as a puritanical approach, advocating that sexuality should be only within marriage and in moderation. Punishments for breaches of the specific laws and moral codes were capital in nature, and unimaginably gruesome.
Interestingly theAztecs worshippedTlazolteotl, colloquially referred to as the "Goddess of Filth"; Goddess of Lust, Carnality and Sexual Misdeeds. To keep things interesting, she was also the patroness of confession. Every Aztec could, one time only in their life, confess their sexual misdeeds and receive a full pardon. After that, well.
TheIncas (1200 - 1572 CE), meanwhile had a "two tier" system. For the elite in Cusco, sex was strictly within marriage, and its central, stated purpose was to reproduce in order to build labor reserves. Penalties for sex outside of marriage were severe.
Remote communities meanwhile operated under entirely different rules, and social and religions conventions. There were reports of communities maintaining formal brothels of young boys,pampayruna,to service the military and same-sex activity being depicted in respectful terms in temples.
Contemporary Ibrahimic Context
The rise of Ibrahimic faiths, (Judaism, Christianity & Islam), initiated a dramatic repositioning of the role of sexuality, and more specifically women, in modern politics and society.
As was the case with the Greeks and Romans, there was a strong emphasis on protecting and controlling lineage, (blood lines, business and heirs). This was a particular preoccupation for nomadic peoples.
Meanwhile it had become abundantly clear that women - the only sex that could reproduce - were indispensable to the survival of civilisation.
The political structures enshrined religion and its various moral codifications, which were exclusively patriarchal, and preoccupied themselves with the control of female sexuality and women in general. Men had to own "the miracle".
Through the Dark and Middle Ages, the moral strictures and preoccupation with the control of women, perpetuation of "sex as sin" increased steadily, with fear, shame and guilt being the default levers for power and control.
Sexual Revolution 1.0
From the late 1950s until the mid-1970s modern western society went through one of its most significant cultural transformations: the Sexual Revolution.
There were several drivers of the "Free Love" movement:
- Social backlash against 2 world wars, the Great Depression and yet more pending war;
- The legalisation of the contraceptive pill;
- The feminist movement;
- The gay liberation movement;
- Increased free time and disposable income;
- The increased availability of recreational drugs; and
- The public availability of erotic media
The effects of this were turbo charged by the cultural phenomenon that came to be known as rock and roll.
It is widely considered that 1967's "Summer of Love" was the high point of the Sexual Revolution. "Free Love" became political; an act of rebellion against a political elite that was increasingly seen a being overbearing and conservative.
Once could have sex when, where and with whomsoever one wanted, however one wanted, and with little to no risk.
Universe 25
With Sexual Revolution 1.0 in full swing and amidst the heady scent of Marlboros, incense, Jack Daniels, marijuana and coconut oil, in January 1973,Proceedings of the Royal Society of Medicinepublished a paper by renowned ethologist, John B. Colhoun, "Death Squared: The Explosive Growth and Demise of a Mouse Population".
In theUniverse 25experiment, Colhoun created a "Mouse Utopia":
- Unlimited food, water and nesting material; and
- No predators or disease
Despite having all requirements to survive, the population experienced a catastrophic social collapse, stopped having sex, ceased reproducing, and eventually became extinct.
Colhoun identified 4 distinct phases in the lifecycle of the population:
- Phase A: Striving (Days 1–104) - Mice adjusted and established territories.
- Phase B: Exploiting (Days 105–314) - Rapid population growth, doubling every 55 days.
- Phase C: Stagnation (Days 315–559) - Peak population of 2,200. Social breakdown began.
- Phase D: Death Phase (Day 560+) - Sex ceased entirely. Extinction.
Despite the living environment having a calculated maximum population capacity of 3,840 mice, the population peaked at 2,200 on day 599. Colhoun described this tipping point at which normal social behavior broke down as the "Behavioral Sink", attributing the behavioral shift to over-crowding, and chronic over-stimulation.
In this process 3 specific behavioral types had manifested:
- Beautiful Males:As social structures dissolved, this new generation of males emerged. They completely withdrew from all social interactions, courtship, and mating. They spent their entire days solely eating, sleeping, and grooming themselves. They had no interest in the traditional pursuits of sex or fighting;
- Hyper-Aggressive Males:This cohort of males became violently erratic, attacking cage mates, females, and infants without any provocation or territorial purpose; and
- Non-Maternal Females:Females who had become hyper-stressed through lack of traditional male protection. These females began attacking their own young, abandoning them, and completely lost the ability to enter into their period of fertility where pregnancy is possible.
Even whenBeautiful Maleswere removed and placed in an uncrowded environment and introduced to healthy, fertile females, they did not engage in sex.
To note: there has been much criticism of the Universe 25 experiment:
- Environmental design issues;
- Lack of environmental enrichment;
- Lack of sanitation;
- Inbreeding - the experiment started with just 4 breeding pairs of mice; and
- Confirmation bias
With this noted, the experiment had a profound impact on modern thinking around large communities - specifically cities - a topic that preoccupied Colhoun.
Sexual Revolution 2.0
3 generations after the "Summer of Love", people have stopped having sex. The trajectory of our species mirrors that of Colhoun's mouse colony.
In the west we are no longer reproducing enough even to maintain current population levels.
TheGeneral Social Surveypublished in 2024 contained some startling data:
- From 1990 to 2024 the number of Americans aged 18 - 64 years who reported having sex at least once a week reduced from 55% to 37%.
- The largest reductions coincided with mass-adoption of social media after 2010 in Australia, UK and the USA, (15% - 28% reductions).
- From 2010 to 2024 the number of young adults, (18 - 29 years), who reported having no sex at all in a year increased from 12% to 24%.
- From 2007 to 2025 teen birth rates in the USA fell by over 70%.
- 25% of Millennials had children by the age of 23, compared with 10% for Gen Z.
A species has to be extremely traumatized to lose its innate instinct for reproduction.
Causes
There are many regularly attributed reasons for the decline in sexual intimacy:
- Over-stimulation from Social Media, (repeated, low cost, low effort dopamine hits);
- Workplace exhaustion;
- Social and financial stress;
- Poor relationship matching by social media platforms committed to churn
- Anxiety and depression, (another article for another day)
- Easily accessibility to pornography
- The media focus on "the evil of sex"; Epstein, Weinstein, Trump, Cosby, Saville, the Catholic Church
- Resurgent hyper-conservative Christo-fascist, Jewish and Islamic movements, demanding traditional behavior;
- The decline in engagement with meaningful art and music;
- Fear of rejection; and
- Fear of abuse
The Decline of In-Person Social Interaction
As significant as the above statistics are, the most extraordinary is:
- from 2010 to 2019, "face-to-face" time spent between young adults, (18 - 30), reduced 50%.
Society is increasingly ill-equipped to manage rudimentary face-to-face interaction, let alone the complex prerequisites of sexual intimacy:
- "Initiation": The detailed verbal and non-verbal cue identification and manoeuvring required to flirt, read body language, assert boundaries, and establish consent; and
- "Execution": The act of sex places participants into one of our highest levels of social vulnerability and complexity.
- "Re-establishment": Managing the ever-moving line once sexual intimacy is established; sexual and non-sexual interaction, consent, expectation, availability, degrees of transparency, privacy, social context and public perception.
Navigating sexual intimacy requires highly complex and advanced social skills.
Communication Skills
- "Active Listening": Paying full attention to the speaker, clarifying points, and responding thoughtfully without interrupting.
- "Verbalization": Using an appropriate tone, clear language, volume, and pacing to convey ideas.
- "Non-verbal Expression": Aligning your body language, eye contact, facial expressions, intonation and hand gestures with your words, and reading those of others
Interpersonal and Relationship Skills
- "Empathy": Validating and sharing the feelings of others by viewing situations from diverse perspectives.
- "Cooperation": Working collaboratively within groups, sharing responsibilities, and compromising to achieve a unified goal.
- "Conflict Resolution": Addressing disagreements constructively through negotiation rather than aggression or avoidance.
Behavioral Self-Regulatory Skills
- "Self-Control": Managing intense emotions, impulses, and stress levels during challenging interactions.
- "Assertiveness": Expressing personal boundaries, needs, and opinions clearly and respectfully whilst becoming neither passive nor aggressive.
Social Awareness and Plasticity Skills
- "Situational Awareness": Adjusting behavior to match the formal or informal requirements of a specific environment.
- "Responsibility": Recognizing the direct impact of one's actions and honoring social commitments
In a real time, face to face environment, many people no longer possess these skills. It is rapidly becoming a social crisis.
Consequences
There are several catastrophic consequences of a loss of social skills, and intimacy.
Loss of Intimacy = Loss of Trust
One has an instinct not to trust what one doesn't know, and this applies especially to people.
We will believe the bare faced lies of someone we know before we acknowledge the self-evident truths of a stranger. This is part of our primal need to belong to the pack, rather than be the wolf, all alone with our insights, fears and despairs, borne of knowing the difficult, unendurable truth.
In their 2000 publication,The Trusted Advisor,David H. Maister,Charles H. Green, andRobert M. Galfordproposed the following "equation" for trustworthiness.
Trustworthiness =Credibility +Reliability +Intimacy /Self-orientation
Credibility (words): One's expertise, skills and bona fides
Reliability (actions): One's level of predictability and consistency
Intimacy, (emotions): The level of safety and security others have when confiding in someone
Self-orientation, (motives): One's level of self-interest/selfishness
Contemporary circumstances are materially skewing Intimacy and Self-orientation, making trustworthiness - in all facets of life - not just sex, increasingly difficult to establish. This fundamentally distorts social function.
Loss of Aptitude = Loss of Capacity
The traditional social skills required to negotiate successfully the complexities of sexual relations provide invaluable cross skills in the workplace and broader society: reading body language, unspoken inference, diplomacy, clarification, repositioning, respect for the interlocutory process, and, above all, a primary mutual respect.
When these are lost, there are material social, cultural and economic consequences.
Apathy
Like Colhoun's mice, society is increasingly tapping out. Life simply is not worth living. Rates of anxiety and depression support this in an alarming way.
It requires extraordinary pressure and trauma for a species to lose its instinct to perpetuate itself.
Cost
The cost we are currently incurring from the "Lost Art of Intimacy" is incalculable in emotional, social, cultural and economic terms.
We can only hope that as soon as possible, we elevate our focus from the purely economic terms of operational efficiency, short circuit the loss, and reinstate the humanity, love, pleasure and passion in our own lives.
Postscript
Wild Nights
Wild Nights - Wild nights!
Were I with thee
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!
Futile - the winds -
To a Heart in port -
Done with the Compass -
Done with the Chart!
Rowing in Eden -
Ah - the Sea!
Might I but moor - tonight -
In thee!
Emily Dickinson
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